He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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