best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
