Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
