Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
