2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize