life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
