my phone needs a breathalizer
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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