I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Houston, we have a blender
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
