And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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