Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
