idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
