The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
