after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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