Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
