as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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