Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
