wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize