the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
