Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
