when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
