that's an acceptable place to lick
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
