wakey wakey hands off snakey
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
