just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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