If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No subtext here. People are naked.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
