During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I die, sorry about rent.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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