; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
