Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
