So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
