I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
