i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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