someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have demons in me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
