My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
