So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
