Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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