I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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