HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
