he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
