I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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