i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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