Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Boobs are out for the taking
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
