the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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