a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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