btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
