So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
