I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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