its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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