She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
