the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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