In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
