i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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