I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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