he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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