um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just forgot I was standing up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
