Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
