I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
