my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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