Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't think brook has ever known best
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
